Casablanca, An American Classic Not Yet Ruined

It’s no big secret that Hollywood has about as many original ideas as I have had dates with Eva Longoria.

Zero, but where there’s life, there’s hope.

If you think I’m speaking anecdotally, feel free to read this article from June.

We’ve seen all sorts of franchises left as carcasses on the side of the road, sucked to death by money vampires.  Take for example Star Wars.

Jar Jarred to death.

With Batman it was nipples on the batsuit.

I’m sure they deflect bullets or project laser beams or something.

I’m pretty sure those nipples were Lucas’ idea, too.

“If only I could give them an offensive accent, they’d be perfect.”

But I’m not singling out Mr. Lucas here.  He’s really guilty of nothing more than greed and bad taste.  And writing cringe-worthy dialogue.

“Oh, my.  I just vomited in my mouth.  But do go on about why you hate sand.”

And if they’ve pounded a franchise into the ground, there’s always a remake!  Remakes are great.  You already have name recognition and as long as you can fool enough people into thinking that it will be EVEN BETTER than the original you can usually recoup your $$$$ on opening weekend before anyone realizes you’ve released a flaccid piece of garbage.

Which is why a good movie…

like Psycho by Alfred Hitchcock. You may have heard of him.

can be made into a steaming pile of unoriginal goo.

by Gus Van Zant, director of good movies like Good Will Hunting, and who really ought to have known better.

Heck, even movies that weren’t that great in the first place are getting remade.

The original Planet of the Apes.  Campy fun.  Became a crappy franchise.

AND a crappy remake with no redeeming qualities. 

So?  What am I going to do about it?  Nothing.  Are you kidding, I’m all in.  In the next few days I will be recasting the until now unblemished Casablanca.  First I will be re-casting it as a direct shot-by-shot remake, like the second Psycho.   Then I will be re-casting it as a parody. 

Tomorrow, I will be breaking down the original cast and breakdown what I’ll be looking for when casting both exciting new remakes.

It’s all very exciting.


3 comments on “Casablanca, An American Classic Not Yet Ruined

  1. You, sir, are an evil, evil man. Here’s looking at you, sir.

  2. Play “Casablanca” Again and then realize how sacred it is. Please Please Craig, don’t remake it or we’ll never have Paris again.!!!!

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