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Casablanca – The Recast – Part One

The casting call has gone out and the best performers have been selected.  We, the producers, invite you to peruse and adore the new cast of Casablanca.

The Cast:

Role:  Sam

ActorIce Cube

Other Candidates Considered:  Kadeem Hardison, Ice-T, Jaleel White

Producers’ Notes:  “Ice Cube was always our first choice, because he’s obviously got the musical chops to pull it off and more of the edge we’re looking for in our vision of the role of Sam.  He can do drama and comedy.  We’re really, really pleased to have him on board.  I mean, seriously, who doesn’t think that this guy can bring a little sumpin’ sumpin’ when asked to play it again?”

Role:  Yvonne

ActressChristina Aguilera

Other Candidates Considered:  Cher, Mariah Carey, Lindsay Lohan

Producers’ Notes:  “If you had to have someone sing ‘La Marseillaise’ and make it sexy, who could do it better?  Plus, nobody does slutty better than Christina Aguilera, which is what we are going for in this casting.  Cher was under consideration, but she kind of looks like a wax recreation of herself at this point and we didn’t necessarily want to frighten children.”

Role:  Carl, the bartender

ActorDanny Trejo

Other Candidates Considered:  Henry Rollins, Ricardo Montalban’s corpse

Producers’ Notes:  “Obviously we were thinking Rick needed a heavy, I mean, come on, this is a casino.  Who has a genial foreign grandfather type as a bartender in Nazi occupied territory?  Not to mention we felt we needed a little bit more ethnicity here.  It’s a melting pot, see?  Rick having a Mexican employee and confidant just makes sense.”

Role:  Ugarte

ActorCillian Murphy

Other Candidates Considered:  Willem Dafoe, Vincent Schiavelli

Producers’ Notes:  “Obviously a small role, defined not so much by the character’s actions, but rather by a distinctive look.  Dafoe was strongly considered, as was Schiavelli until we found out he died five years ago.  Very sad.”

Role:  Major Strasser

Actor:  Gary Oldman

Other Candidates Considered:  Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker

Producers’ Notes:  “We lost a lot of sleep over this casting.  Vin Diesel had a lot of support at the studio level, but he just didn’t seem German enough.”

Role:  Signor Ferrari

Actor:  Jason Lee

Other Candidates Considered:  None.

Producers’ Notes:  “Jason was our first and only choice for the role, and not just because he has pictures of us in compromising positions, though largely for that reason.  We think that Signor Ferrari lends itself very well to Jason’s particular non-traditional skill set.  He’ll only be in a few scenes; how much damage can he really do?”

Role:  Captain Renault

ActorDanny DeVito

Other Candidates Considered:  Philip Seymour Hoffman, Gerard Depardieu

Producers’ Notes:  “When we were casting this role, we almost went in a different direction, but then we watched “Twins” the night before making our decision and his incredibly dynamic partnership with the Governator completely sold us.  We think this is the role that defines the late phase of DeVito’s career.”

And now, without futher ado, our leads:

Role:  Victor Lazlo

Actor:  Harry Potter

Other Candidates Considered:  Christian Bale, Viggo Mortensen, Daniel Day Lewis, Sean Penn, Johnny Depp

Producers’ Notes:  “All right, we cast a little young on this one, but come on, nobody will draw in the under twenty-five crowd better in a non-vampire capacity.  Besides, you know, he was “The Chosen One” already, so you know he’s got the charisma we’re looking for.”

Role:  Ilsa

Actress:  Cameron Diaz

Other Candidates Considered:  Meryl Streep, Megan Fox, Kristen Stewart, Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston

Producers’ Notes:  “One word for you: cougars.  They’re all the rage.  We know that it’s kind of the opposite dynamic of the original, but that’s the point.  We’re changing up the dynamic!  It’s awesome.  You’ll love it.  Trust us.”

Role:  Rick Blaine

Actor:  Tom Hanks

Other Candidates Considered:  Al Pacino, George Clooney, Brad Pitt

Producers’ Notes:  “Obviously, a home run.  Don’t worry, he won’t have that whole “Da Vinci Code” haircut.  This man is an Academy Award winner.  And we kind of see Rick Blaine as half way between Forest Gump and Jimmy Dugan from “A League of Their Own.”  He’s going to redefine Rick Blaine, make you completely forget about Hubert Bogard, whoever that was!”

Well, I hope you enjoyed the news!  Tomorrow, the parody casting!  The fun never stops!


One comment on “Casablanca – The Recast – Part One

  1. I have been mostly in agreement with you–but I have to say, Pacino would be a truly inspired choice for Rick. He would “knock it out of the park” as the old farts say. He bleeds weariness. (Have you SEEN “Heat”?!)

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