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Through the Funhouse Lense of Memory – Flash Gordon

Let me preface this post by saying that I always thought that Flash Gordon was a pretty ridiculous movie. 

It’s single greatest contribution to the cinematic  universe, letting us know what James Bond would look like if he was half-leprechaun.

I mean, there isn’t a single thing about the movie that isn’t at least a little bit ridiculous.  From Dalton’s green prince to the hapless lead who couldn’t act his way out of a paperbag to evil minions who apparently bleed gasoline and get all bug-eyed…

Klytus, your eyes are doing something funky.  Also you’ve been spiked to death.

…there was ridiculousness of every conceivable flavor on display.  Nevertheless, it was fun. 

Fun.

And easy on the eyes.

Very easy.

But like many fun but campy films, the posterity of this film (limited though it is) hinges on the caliber of its villain.

The spiky hinge of Flash Gordon.

And that villain is Ming the Merciless.  But before I delve into Ming, let us pause and reflect on the hotness of his daughter, Princess Aura.

And kudos to the wardrobe department!

It’s enough to make Tevye turn into a space scientist!

L’chai-im!

Yes, now Ming.  Ming decides to destroy Earth because he’s bored and needs something to do.

Why not learn to knit?

Probably because he’s the kind of a guy who own a golden war rocket…

Is that a golden war rocket or are you just happy to see me…

And he looks like this.

Rather like Satan’s acupuncturist.

To make Von Sydow evil looking…

Well, more evil looking, this man did make for the second creepiest Jesus in film history…

Congratulations to Willem Dafoe, though, on taking the prize.

…they shaved his head and gave him cartoonishly huge eyebrows.

Which also makes this gal evil.  Sorry, bad example.

Anyway, the guy stole the film.  You’ll notice I don’t have a single picture posted of “Flash Gordon” himself.  That’s because he was irrelevant.  Just some musclebound meathead.  Fine, I’ll give you a picture, but only because I’m a completionist…

Age gracefully he did not.

Neither has the movie.  The thirty year-old special effects are no longer worthy of the name, the acting is horrible.  The stars are now saggy and wrinkled.  You know what that means.

Remake time!

I’m thinking this guy would make a great Ming…

Now, you’ll have to imagine him bald and with eyebrows that go off into outerspace, but you get the picture.

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One comment on “Through the Funhouse Lense of Memory – Flash Gordon

  1. This was so hilarious!!! As I recall, you and your brothers COULDN’T WAIT every time this movie came on (and at the time it was on almost twice a day on HBO–Lord preserve us!!) You all knew all the words, of course. I also recall many “performances” based on the movie. Hmmm, now who was always Ming? It’s hard to laugh at 6:15 am but you did it!!!

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