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It’s Super Bowl Sunday! Time to talk about facial hair!

Are you ready for some football?  Or, at least, some commercials?  Well, best get ready, because it’s gameday. 

As everyone knows, Super Bowl Sunday has become an unofficial holiday in America.  It’s got everything: colors, pageantry, clever beer commercials and big dudes hitting each other really hard.

It’s like Christmas for slobs clad in wife-beaters!

And let’s not forget that it is the second-highest food spending day of the year behind Thanksgiving, and the greatest volume day for food delivery companies.

Yay, Heart Disease!

But enough about that.  It is also a chance to observe the mysteries of rich men being groomed poorly.  Facial hair is a delicate art, but one that any Tom, Dick or Harry can engage in, though frankly they shouldn’t as there is so much room for error.

The gold standard.

Now, no discussion of facial hair in this Super Bowl can ignore the Steelers’ Brett Keisel, who clearly owns neither razor blade nor mirror.

And classifies as a Yeti by some definitions.

But he’s not a superstar (although I do believe his beard was once in ZZ Top).  This game will come down to the facial hair quality of the most prestigious position on the field: The Quarterbacks.

Now, before I proceed, no doubt many of you doubt that the quality of a man’s facial hair impacts directly their ability to throw a football.  But winning football games isn’t just about physical, but also attitude, and nothing reflects attitude like a little facial growth.

Pittsburgh has Ben Roethlisberger, a giant of a man with the requisite giant arm and matching giant beard.

He’s hanging his head in shame not due to beard deficiencies, but rather because of (alleged) personality flaws.

That’s a solid blue-collar beard, the kind of beard that a hard working miner can appreciate.  Perfect for the Steel City.

His opponent?  Aaron Rodgers, a hot-shot Californian with this shot on his resume.

Oh, sweet Jesus.  He should have every copy of this picture burned and then bury the remnants in an undisclosed location.  That is, unless he wants his mother to think he’s starred in numerous pornographic films.

But now he sports this number:

Neat, trim, doesn’t quite scream out “70s Porn Star” like the previous photo.

The beard is like his game, sleek, manicured, vaguely aerodynamic.

So, now we see the contenders, it’s time to make the call.

Rodgers is clearly moving up in the world.  He’s polished his facial grooming skills and is now not a laughingstock.  But Big Ben has the more manly growth, the more manly game, and this game is won by manly men.

So, it looks like the Steelers to me.  Good luck, gentlemen.  Let’s have a clean game.

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