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Charlie Sheen has Adonis DNA.

So, Charlie Sheen is not an alcoholic, drug-addled moron after all.  No.  He’s a special talent with “tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA.”

If you don’t believe it, just ask him.

I always thought tiger blood would give you literal stripes and orange coloring.  You live, you learn.

Now, for those of you who don’t have the first clue who Adonis is, I present the following, which is was what he looks like to the French.

What a striking dong.

So Adonis’ DNA is found in every cell of this guy:

It does explain the overcompensation.

But, you know what, maybe he’s right.  Maybe he does possess the blood of a wild animal.  Which leads me to believe he isn’t the only celebrity floating around Hollywood with blood of an animal and the DNA of an ancient god.

Example, the first:  Arnold Schwarzeneggar.

The Governator

His DNA comes from Thor:

The hammer represents the subtlety of his acting.

But his blood is pure bull shark.

The bull represents his political acumen.  The shark, his powerful muscles.

Example the second:  Anne Hathaway

A classic beauty.

Her DNA?  Gotta be from Aphrodite, right?

It would explain her lack of modesty.

But her blood, her blood is pure chihuahua.

Which explains her love for Taco Bell.

Example number three:  Ron White.

A fine entertainer who associates with a bad element.

They say evil runs hand in hand with the absence of sleeves.  

His DNA?  Dionysus.

There’s a god who knew how to party.

His blood, alas, is pure blobfish.

And the saddest thing is that unless he maintains a life-long regimen of chain-smoking and drinking he reverts to this form.

Example the fourth:  Glenn Beck.

Finally someone who matches Sheen on both an ego and crazy level!

His DNA, I have it on good authority, is that of Hermes.

The silver-tongued trickster god with the winged helmet, the ancient world’s version of the beanie.

His blood runs pure naked mole rat.

Which is where he gets his good looks from.

 

Example the last.  Now, this one is shocking.  I hope you’re sitting down.

George Clooney.

A man’s man.  Suave, funny, smart.  And the chin!

His DNA is from Apollo, the Sun God, the bringer of wisdom and light.

Why do all the Greek Gods have such tiny dongs?

But his darkest secret is about to be exposed.  His blood carries the taint of that most hideous of creatures:  The Aye Aye.

Which is pirate for, “Yes, yes, I’m running away!”

But wait, maybe that’s just an unflattering angle…

No, it isn’t!  Flee for your lives!

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3 comments on “Charlie Sheen has Adonis DNA.

  1. I think this is your best work yet. As an added plus, I agree with your evaluations. The naked mole rat is my favorite! To see a humorous (picture book) take on the naked mole rat see Mo Willem’s The Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed.

  2. “Striking dong” while reprehensible, needs to be copyrighted immediately. Now. Tonight. Again, NOW. It has so many “adult” uses, you’ll be a multi-millionare before 40.

  3. Left out an “i” Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

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