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A copy of a copy of a copy

As anyone who has ever used a photocopy machine could tell you when you make a copy of a copy of a copy, the quality degrades the further you get from the source document.

Countless science fiction stories tell us this is also true when it comes to cloning human beings.

As evidence, many will turn to the sad tale of Dick Clark.

Few people know this, but the original Dick Clark…

Shown here.

…passed away in 1992 only to be replaced by a clone.

Dick Clark 2.0: Notice the slightly different slope of his brow and the death of the light in his eyes

And this worked well for a few years until the first Dick Clark Clone passed away in 1998.  From there was a continual decline in Dick Clark Clone quality until there was nothing left but a gelatinous husk.

So sad

So it’s pretty well established that when making a copy it is better to make a second copy from the original source than to make a copy of a copy.

Nine out of Ten Chuck Norris’ agree with this logic.

Which brings me to Philip Dick.  Philip Dick is the man responsible for almost all the science fiction films that don’t begin with the word “Star.”

His stories have been turned into cinema for years.  From Blade Runner to Minority Report to The Adjustment Bureau to A Scanner Darkly to Screamers, his varied and curious concepts have attracted attention for years.

And he also wrote a little story called, “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale,” which was turned into a Michael Ironside star-vehicle called “Total Recall.”

It also had a little-known Austrian-American thespian named Arnold in it.

In addition to showcasing Ironside’s amazing dramatic range from two-armed to no-armed…

…and a nearly naked Sharon Stone…

She was once smoking hot.

…there was a three-breasted woman whose very existence blew the mind of many an adolescent boy, sundering their verbal acuity to a Keanu Reeves level.


And coming soon to a theater near you will be a remake.

Say What?!?

As unnecessary as a third nipple on a two-breasted woman, and 60% less fun, the Total Recall remake is a perfect example of why a copy should not be made of a copy.

And a leading reason why the Mayans think the world will end in 2012.

Does this man look amused?

The only way this would make any sense to me is if Michael Ironside was back to reprise his role.

So that Richter could finally see Arnold at the party

But, failing that, it’s just another example of the complete void of creativity in Hollywood.  This is an old and tired argument…

So old. So tired.

…but here’s the thing.  Hollywood doesn’t need to be creative.  There are literally thousands of Science Fiction stories out there

Some few dozen not even written by Phillip Dick.

Why not make something, if not original, at least not shown already?  Here are three movies that should have been bankrolled before a Total Recall retread:

 1. Hyperion

The shrike would be amazing and iconic

2. Revelation Space

3.  A Stranger in a Strange Land

Sure it’s 60s era free-love message may be a bit dated, but there’s plenty enough there for a two hour movie once you purge the old and stale.

But who am I kidding?  In a world with a Total Recall remake and a Red Dawn remake, I’m more likely to get another version of this:
The living will envy the dead.

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