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Groundhogs Know Things, Craig

Happy Groundhog Day, Everybody!

As you no doubt already know, there is a little controversy brewing as competing celebrity groundhogs have issued opposite proclamations.

Punxsutawney Phil says he saw his shadow…

And who has balls enough to tell this guy he’s mistaken?

Woodstock Willie, that’s who.

Although it’s impossible to gauge the size of Willie’s cajones from this angle, I hear they are sizable.

Perhaps these two are both right and Pennsylvania will have a long winter while Illinois will have an early spring.  In fact I’m certain it must be so.

How certain? This certain.

Because to suggest that groundhogs don’t know their shit when it comes to winter is absurd.  Groundhogs KNOW things.  And not just about winter, either.  They know things about life.  The winter thing is only the most highly publicized of the many varied prognostications.  Here are a few more that Punxsutawney Phil shared with me off the record.

What Phil Sees:

Mitt Romney healing a leper

What it Means:

Six Weeks of Nuclear Winter

What Phil Sees:

American elected official wearing bunny ears and adult diapers

What it Means:

Phil is visiting our nation’s capitol

What Phil Sees:

Fruity Drinks

What it Means:

Phil may be getting lucky…

 What Phil Sees:

The Breakdown of Modern Civilization

What it Means:

Dustin Diamond has finally won an Oscar

What Phil Sees:

Bears Dancing

What it Means:

George Clooney has been elected President

What Phil Sees:

A cultivated dog-about-town

What it Means:

Time travel has at last been perfected

And Finally…

What Phil Sees:

A dog making sweet love to a cat (picture censored)

What it Means:

The end of the world

I hope you all found this illuminating.  Good night, and Good luck.

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