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Super Bowl Sunday

Happy Super Bowl Sunday, Everybody!

So, we have a real Goliath v. Goliath match up here between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants.

The Giants are on the right.  And kind of on the left, too.

And I don’t care for either team very much at all.

Can’t I root against both teams?

A decision must be made.  So, how’s a guy like me to choose which team to root for today?  I’ll have to look systematically, breaking down all the key elements and making a reasoned random choice.

Category 1:  Which Team Has the More Attractive Quarterback?

Quarterback is the key position on the football field, a position that must be manned by someone who combines the best elements of poise, instinct, training, intelligence and athleticism.  And movie-star good looks.

Eli Manning – Quarterback – New York Giants

Tom Brady – Quarterback – New England Patriots

Winner:  We’ll call it a mistrial due to Eli having a bad hair day.

Category Two: The Tight End with the Toughest Sounding Name

Tight End is not only an amusing double entendre with which intellectuals can entertain themselves while watching a brutal sport, it’s also a position that matches brawn and skill in a glorious mix that makes one marvel at man’s potential.  Weak muthas need not apply.

Bear Pascoe – Tight End – New York Giants
Rob Gronkowski – Tight End – New England Patriots

Winner:  Damn!  I still can’t decide!

Category Three:  Which Team Has the Most Centered Coach?

The Head Coach has to be the f***ing eye of the storm.  He has to motivate his team, but also be the very exemplar of poise, the calm center the team can turn to when things start going bad to recalibrate them.  This person must EXUDE calm charisma at all times.

Tom Coughlin – Head Coach – New York Giants
Bill Belichick – Head Coach – New England Patriots

Winner:  Not these guys’ wives.  Ha.  I kid.  Please don’t hurt me.

Category Four:  Team’s Mascots, Toughness.

Which one of these guys mascots exemplify toughness.  Which would terrify you more if you were to meet them in a dark alley, a giant or a patriot?

Andre the New York Giant
Mel Gibson – The New England Patriot

Well, that settles it.  It’s just impossible to root for Mel these days.

So, there you have it.  Play ball and may the Andre the Giants emerge victorious!

Seriously, how could you possibly root against Fezzik?
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