Happy Super Bowl Sunday, Everybody!
And I don’t care for either team very much at all.
A decision must be made. So, how’s a guy like me to choose which team to root for today? I’ll have to look systematically, breaking down all the key elements and making a reasoned random choice.
Category 1: Which Team Has the More Attractive Quarterback?
Quarterback is the key position on the football field, a position that must be manned by someone who combines the best elements of poise, instinct, training, intelligence and athleticism. And movie-star good looks.
Eli Manning – Quarterback – New York Giants
Tom Brady – Quarterback – New England Patriots
Winner: We’ll call it a mistrial due to Eli having a bad hair day.
Category Two: The Tight End with the Toughest Sounding Name
Tight End is not only an amusing double entendre with which intellectuals can entertain themselves while watching a brutal sport, it’s also a position that matches brawn and skill in a glorious mix that makes one marvel at man’s potential. Weak muthas need not apply.
Winner: Damn! I still can’t decide!
Category Three: Which Team Has the Most Centered Coach?
The Head Coach has to be the f***ing eye of the storm. He has to motivate his team, but also be the very exemplar of poise, the calm center the team can turn to when things start going bad to recalibrate them. This person must EXUDE calm charisma at all times.
Winner: Not these guys’ wives. Ha. I kid. Please don’t hurt me.
Category Four: Team’s Mascots, Toughness.
Which one of these guys mascots exemplify toughness. Which would terrify you more if you were to meet them in a dark alley, a giant or a patriot?
Well, that settles it. It’s just impossible to root for Mel these days.
So, there you have it. Play ball and may the Andre the Giants emerge victorious!