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How do people get here?

Let me start off by apologizing to all the philosophers who arrived at this post thinking it was going to be a metaphysical musing on the creation of man.  That isn’t my shtick.

I’m sorry to say my degree did not come from the hallowed University of Metaphysics.

No, I’m talking about how people find my site.  There are a few obvious sources.  I link to my Facebook and Twitter accounts.  WordPress drives some people to my site as well.  But those are boring sources and not worthy of further investigation.

Unlike the chupacabra, who haunts my dreams.

No, I’m far more interested in the terms people use in search engines that lead them to me.

The electronic bread crumbs that lead people out of the foresty morass of porn that is the internet and to the safe harbor that is my blog.

I will not post a full screen capture of the list (unlike my previous flag post) because this list is much, much longer.

So long, this young lady’s tongue couldn’t even reach the end of it.

But there are a couple of patterns that are easy to spot.

#1.  Most people who view my site do it because a former rock and roller quit the biz and decided to start growing monster pumpkins.

The single most viewed image on my blog.  And it isn’t even close.

Seventy-two different search phrases in all have been used to find the above image.  It has accounted for over 1700 hits on my site or about one in every six hits total.  I can’t blame people for being drawn to this image it is extraordinary.

2.  A lot of people like penguins.

Just two penguins holding hands on the beach.

After Jim Martin the most common search items that drives people to my site are penguin related.  Thirty-six search phrases have been used generating nearly 550 hits.  And only two of those hits have been for the search term “horny penguin.”  In my opinion, the male penguin in this picture (the one on the left… or right… or both… neither maybe?) is being a complete gentleman, but clearly not everyone on the internet agrees.

After those two there is a little more separation and no correlation between search terms and hits.

#3 (for hits) is (I imagine) lonely middle aged ladies pining for halcyon days and the former male sex figure of the late 70s, early 80s, Craig Stadler.

For 298 ladies, that photo just hit the spot. You’re welcome. For the rest of you, I’m so, so sorry.

#2 for search terms (coming in two ahead of penguins with thirty-eight search items) and adding 178 hits to my page is the man, the myth, the legend:  Mr. Pink.

Is this a semi-unflattering caricature or how Steve Buscemi looks without makeup? You decide.

Another very popular topic coming in at #4 in total hits and #5 in unique search terms (251 and 23, respectively) is Coming to America, which I put between the cross hairs in this post.

Coming to America was, depending on who you ask, either a light-hearted comedy about a man finding his way in America or a dark horror film about Arsenio Hall in drag.

Coming in fourth in number of search terms with twenty-eight, though tallying only fifty-nine hits, is variants of “Fat man on see-saw.”

This type of hilarity requires no caption.

So those are the big ones, though there are others that are more interesting to me.

For instance:

Wait for iiiiiiiit…

1.  More people have found my blog searching for my brother, Nate’s, name (5) than mine (3).

Which is so upsetting I feel obligated to break out the picture of him in his sweater again.

2.  Not one, but two people found my site looking under the search term, “κοαλα βικιπαιδεια.”  I choose to believe this means “sexy man with voice of angel and prowess of a god.”

In other words, I choose to believe they were looking for Kevin Sorbo.

3.  Four poor, deranged individuals found my site when looking for “german oldermen pornstar.”

Perhaps they were looking for this photo, which until now was not housed on my site.

4.  Three people found my site looking up “travestite shitzu.”  When doing research for this post I did a search myself on that term and Google asked me if I had intended to look up “transvestite shih tzu.”

And I responded in the exact same way I would if someone asked me if I wanted tickets to a Dane Cook show: “Not now, not ever.”

5.  Three people found my site while looking for “singing vagina mouth.”

Interestingly the fifth picture that comes up in such a search is of this guy, who is not a singing vagina mouth, more like a braying asshole donkey with amazing hair.

6.  Three people found my site while looking for “smelly midget.”

I don’t know why this is the first image that pops up under the search for “smelly midget” but it made me laugh for five full minutes.

7.  Three people found my site looking for “slutty cougars*.”

Which is almost as bad as “horny penguin”, but it takes all kinds.

*Yes, I know they were looking for hot, tan, mature ladies.  So am I.  I wish I had them on this site to provide for you, but…

8.  Two folks came here looking under the term, “I am not a goat.”

Um, you kind of DO look like a goat…

9.  Two people found my site looking for “naked carnies.”

I do not traffic in that kind of filth. Yet. Another fifty hits and we’ll talk.

10.  And finally, two people found my site looking for “Batman half baboon.”

Which I can’t quite wrap my head around, though it does give me an opportunity to post this hilarious picture of Robin. What kind of crime is he going to be capable of stopping? Bullying, if he stays in all the time, I suppose.

2 comments on “How do people get here?

  1. Damn. I really wish I had posted this one day later. I just got a search engine hit for “doug marrone’s wife.” That would have made the list.

  2. Again, more tears from laughing. It’s almost 2am (where I am) and I need to go to sleep, but this is keeping me up.

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