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How to Pick a Good Clown Name

Among the topics trending on Twitter recently…

And, yes, just using that phrase makes me feel this dirty.

…is Doink the Clown, who–as it turns out–is a non-traditional clown

In that instead of spraying you with seltzer, he sprays you with pain. Hilarious!

which, among other things, makes you wonder if he can interview Bryce Harper with impunity.

This upset me a great deal…

I cried tears that were 100% saturated with pure masculinity.

…because Doink is an absolutely superb name for a clown.  Shakespeare couldn’t have come up with a better one.

Yorick, my ass.

Which got me thinking, if I were to become a clown…

Other than a rodeo clown, which, yes, I do on weekends in the summer and, no, doesn’t really count.

…what would my name be?

Craig the Clown sounds silly and Bozo has already been taken.

As has Krusty.

I thought for a minute I should do something more esoteric, not so much a name as a personal pronoun.

But it turns out “It” has some scary connotations. Thanks a lot, Pennywise. You can be a real ass.

So, having exhausted all the names that immediately came to mind because they were already associated with known clowns, I had to dig deeper.

It was good to get some exercise.

Now, it seems that most of the clowns captured their essence with their names.  Bozo was an idiot.  Krusty was flaky.  Doink hit his head against objects.  Of course, by this measure Pennywise should have been named Shit-yourself-inducing, but every rule has its exception.

Like the rule that all the Baldwin brothers are good looking. Yes, Danny is the evil clown in this analogy.

So I needed a name that would capture ME in my purest form.  A name that would indicate how very fine I was, how sweet.  And suddenly it hit me.

I bring you:  Powdered Sugar, the Clown.

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