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The ESPYs, because what the world really needs is another awards show

Awards shows suck.  In terms of entertainment value they score somewhere on the down side of some guy’s YouTube video of an attempted reenactment of the dogs playing poker painting with real live dogs.

All four of them are pooping in this picture. Thank goodness smellovision has yet to be invented.

The only reason people watch is too comment on how people look on the red carpet.

Erin Andrews: Smoking.

Dirk Nowitski… is… a hell of a basketball player.

And as you can see from the above picture, the ESPYs are more ludicrous than most in this respect.  Dirk Nowitski is not the only talented athlete in the world who looks horrible under the bright lights of the red carpet.  But I’d like to see Erin Andrews hit a fade away three-pointer as the shot clock expires.

Well, to be honest, I’d like to see Erin Andrews do just about anything. She could chop broccoli for an hour and I think I’d be entertained.

So, why do they keep doing it year after year after year?

The same reason a dog licks its own balls, I suppose.

Are there people out there who can remember past winners?  Can they even remember past categories?

Okay, maybe this guy can, but can any normal person do it?

It’s not just me who thinks that the ESPYs are ridiculous.  Here are a couple of quotes from people with a little closer perspective than mine:

“I love John Walsh, and I have a fond feeling for ESPN. But I find the ESPY Awards objectionable. We already have awards. The World Series is an award. An MVP is an award. We don’t need more awards. They make up this crap so they can fill time with it – the worst.”
Bill Wolff (ESPN producer) in the book Those Guys Have All the Fun: Inside the Secret World of ESPN (pg. 287)
“Of all the award shows, the ESPYs have got to be the dumbest award show there is. First of all, award shows in general are sort of silly and ridiculous and we know they’re just for creating publicity, but at least it makes some sort of sense within that framework to have an awards show for movies, or television, because there is no way with those to know which is the best. But when we’re talking about sports – they actually play the game. We don’t have to give an award to the best team. We know who the best team is – they’ve already won! That’s the great thing about sports, there’s a built-in objective mechanism by which we can ascertain who the winners are. But no, you have to win a second time in a tuxedo, and a spokesmodel has to hand you a trophy; that’s what’s important.”
Bill Maher (ESPYs presenter) in the book Those Guys Have All the Fun: Inside the Secret World of ESPN (pg. 322-323)
So this year, I’m boycotting.  I haven’t watched in a decade out of disinterest, but this is the first year I’m doing it with a sense of purpose rather than ennui.

And, yes, I just used a pretentious french word to express myself. Now be quiet while I drink my wine and eat these enormous baguettes.

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One comment on “The ESPYs, because what the world really needs is another awards show

  1. […] a look at some of the flights and fancies of The Worldwide Leader in Sports… One of these guys is a relief pitcher for the Giants. The […]

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