When I rule the world…

When you’re a little kid and you’re met face to face with gross inequity…

Such as seeing your uncle eating an ice cream cone, indicating you want some and him handing you his own, half-eaten cone rather than buying you your own

you begin to make promises to yourself about how things will be different when you’re grown up and making the decisions.

Ah, yeah. All the ice cream I want without someone else’s saliva all over it.

And I was no different.  I had PLANS.

“The first house I own will be a Lego house,” I told my very disappointed father.

But, of course, as the years go by these things seem less important and our focus changes to just getting by.

And the occasional dip in the pool.

But recently I was rummaging through my things…

And wondering where the heck all this cheap jewelry came from

and I came upon an old list I had made when I was in junior high.

Which I’m pretty sure I wrote shortly before this photo was taken to put you in the proper context.

This list detailed three things I would change when I ruled the world.

3.  Make sure everyone has a helicopter.

Grown ups are always complaining about being stuck in traffic. They wouldn’t if they all had helicopters!!!!

2.  Nate will be nicer to me.

Nate was a boogerhead who was mean to me.

1.  Pizza will be the only food people can eat.

Pizza is delicious.

Reflecting on this list I am shocked that it is so short and that I wasted one of my “rule the world” rules on something that many dudes do anyway…

I mean, who doesn’t have their own helicopter nowadays?

But those were simpler times and I was far less mean-spirited.

Although Nate continues to be a boogerhead, I now know I can simply attach photos of him in ugly sweaters to get my revenge.

So here is my greatly modified, adult(ish) version of my list of rules I would enact if I ruled the world:

3.  Any one who admits to watching any of the “Real Wives” shows in public would be forced to live with the Real Wives.

It’s amazing how fake these real wives can be…

2.  You must laugh at my jokes.

I don’t care how much it hurts you, you WILL laugh because I AM hilarious.

1.  Anyone who uses the word “literally” in an inappropriate manner has to spend a month in prison.

Leslie: Okay, okay, he didn’t literally eat the whole cake. He just ate more than I thought he should. Can I get out now?
Me: No.

The world would be a better place.  And now I’m going to go eat some ice cream because I’m so hot I’m figuratively melting.


2 comments on “When I rule the world…

  1. You do live in a Lego house, right?

  2. Yes, but mine isn’t as palatial as the one pictured.

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