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Three Months Until Christmas – A List of Five Things Not to Give Me

Welcome, blog followers.  It’s the end of September and the brisk Fall air has hit full blast this week.  That means it’s time to start preparing yourself for the annual way-too-early onset of Christmas Buying Season and the arrival of the dulcet tones of a jolly fat man.

Burl Ives. What jolly fat man were you thinking about?

And as much as I like listening to non-stop Holiday music…

It ranks a close number two behind this on my most beloved sounds list

What I would really like to discuss is the list of things I don’t want people giving me this year.

Because I don’t want a repeat of last year’s “Everybody drop off an angry child on Craig’s doorstep” fiasco.

Keep in mind that if you have ever given me any of the things on my list that I still love you, but won’t if you give them to me again.

It’s a fair cop, but society is to blame.

5. Paper Napkins

I shouldn’t have to say this, but paper napkins are not a gift that will engender much good will.  While practical, the gift of napkins says to me either:

A:  You think I’m a very sloppy eater.

or

B: I completely forgot to get you anything and this is all I could afford to get you with the change I had in my pocket when I realized I hadn’t gotten you anything.

4. Beef Sticks

The original caption for this one was “individually wrapped beef sticks” but I didn’t want to cause any confusion by suggesting that buying me a box (jar? What do these typically come in?) of beef sticks was somehow more acceptable.

I like beef and the stick form, though unnecessarily phallic, doesn’t offend me.  But this is a gift?  When you buy me beef sticks you are saying to me either:

A.  I recognize your tendency to eat unhealthy things and I want you to know that I’m quite willing to hasten you to your death via heart disease.

or

B.  I had a bit more money left over after buying the napkins for you that I hadn’t really anticipated.

3. A potted plant

I am many things, both good and bad, but what I am not is a “green” person.  I don’t have a green thumb.  I don’t recycle my own urine. (That’s a thing.  I didn’t make it up.  Don’t look at me that way.) I don’t insist upon getting my energy from a windmill (thought I wouldn’t mind it at all.)  You give me a plant and it will only end one way: with my killing it with neglect.  When you give me a plant you are saying to me either:

A.  I don’t know the first thing about you.

or

B.  I know you’ll kill this and I think it deserves to die.

Any living creature.

I know that people like animals.  Heck, I like animals, too.  I just don’t like cleaning up after them, making sure they get their shots, feeding them, pay extra rent for having them, sneezing all of the time, etc. If a person doesn’t have an animal, it probably isn’t an accident.  You aren’t doing them any favors by thrusting a life upon them.  When you are giving me an animal it says to me either:

A.  I have too many cats and this is the one I like least, so you can have it.

or

B.  I like to encourage the neglect of animals.  (<—- Reason #1 why I should NEVER be a pet owner)

1. A toupee

Look, I know I have less hair atop my head this year than I did at this time last year (which was less than I had the year before, etc.) but I have integrity.  I own my male-pattern baldness.  And even if I didn’t, a man’s choice in toupee is a highly personal one, and something that shouldn’t be thrust upon him by a well-meaning outsider.  When you give me a toupee you are saying to me either:

A:  I would like a hilarious picture of you in a ridiculous toupee

or

B: I hate you and everything you stand for.

Now, obviously this list isn’t comprehensive, but staying away from these five things will make the giving season go a whole lot smoother.  Thank you for your attention to this matter.

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