Welcome, blog followers. It’s the end of September and the brisk Fall air has hit full blast this week. That means it’s time to start preparing yourself for the annual way-too-early onset of Christmas Buying Season and the arrival of the dulcet tones of a jolly fat man.
And as much as I like listening to non-stop Holiday music…
What I would really like to discuss is the list of things I don’t want people giving me this year.
Keep in mind that if you have ever given me any of the things on my list that I still love you, but won’t if you give them to me again.
I shouldn’t have to say this, but paper napkins are not a gift that will engender much good will. While practical, the gift of napkins says to me either:
A: You think I’m a very sloppy eater.
B: I completely forgot to get you anything and this is all I could afford to get you with the change I had in my pocket when I realized I hadn’t gotten you anything.
The original caption for this one was “individually wrapped beef sticks” but I didn’t want to cause any confusion by suggesting that buying me a box (jar? What do these typically come in?) of beef sticks was somehow more acceptable.
I like beef and the stick form, though unnecessarily phallic, doesn’t offend me. But this is a gift? When you buy me beef sticks you are saying to me either:
A. I recognize your tendency to eat unhealthy things and I want you to know that I’m quite willing to hasten you to your death via heart disease.
B. I had a bit more money left over after buying the napkins for you that I hadn’t really anticipated.
I am many things, both good and bad, but what I am not is a “green” person. I don’t have a green thumb. I don’t recycle my own urine. (That’s a thing. I didn’t make it up. Don’t look at me that way.) I don’t insist upon getting my energy from a windmill (thought I wouldn’t mind it at all.) You give me a plant and it will only end one way: with my killing it with neglect. When you give me a plant you are saying to me either:
A. I don’t know the first thing about you.
B. I know you’ll kill this and I think it deserves to die.
I know that people like animals. Heck, I like animals, too. I just don’t like cleaning up after them, making sure they get their shots, feeding them, pay extra rent for having them, sneezing all of the time, etc. If a person doesn’t have an animal, it probably isn’t an accident. You aren’t doing them any favors by thrusting a life upon them. When you are giving me an animal it says to me either:
A. I have too many cats and this is the one I like least, so you can have it.
B. I like to encourage the neglect of animals. (<—- Reason #1 why I should NEVER be a pet owner)
Look, I know I have less hair atop my head this year than I did at this time last year (which was less than I had the year before, etc.) but I have integrity. I own my male-pattern baldness. And even if I didn’t, a man’s choice in toupee is a highly personal one, and something that shouldn’t be thrust upon him by a well-meaning outsider. When you give me a toupee you are saying to me either:
A: I would like a hilarious picture of you in a ridiculous toupee
B: I hate you and everything you stand for.
Now, obviously this list isn’t comprehensive, but staying away from these five things will make the giving season go a whole lot smoother. Thank you for your attention to this matter.